Free Stuff
Back in the days when I was a true creature of habit, I would regularly rise as late as I possibly could in order to avoid my irrepressibly cheery housemate. My radio alarm would wake me at precisely the same moment each work day, and every one of those mornings I would wake to the same song rotation from the local Seattle “New Wave” station.
So, for a time, I would be roused daily by Yellowman’s eponymous paean to his very bad Reggae self. During another stretch, Little Steven’s anti-apartheid anthem would remind me never to stage a concert in Sun City—not that I ever intended to. And, for what seemed like months, my waking moments were serenaded by an appeal to “Free, free, free… Nelson Mandela.”
Even though I was very well aware of South African political realities in the early ’80s, my sleep-addled self could hardly contain a snigger each morning. The song began like some international advertising jingle, and I couldn’t help but wonder how many rather sheltered listeners were puzzled over what a nelsonmandela was, and where they could get one of their very own for free.
I still have to chuckle every time I pass a roadside cardboard sign for “free” stuff, while my wife and I join in brief vocal tribute to Mandela. Sort of. It tends to sound something like, “Free, free, free… Wood.”
It seems that everyone’s trying to give us something free these days. Free cell phones. Free minutes. Free gift cards. Free lawn tractors with the purchase of a Jeep. Free range hens. I love the TV ad for Sierra Mist Free in which Fred Willard is arrested for shoplifting because he thought he didn’t have to pay for the soda! Who could blame him for being confused? Especially since he’s Fred Willard.
But is any of that advertised stuff really free? I had to pay for postage and handling, for example, in order to get a batch of “free” Chronicles of Narnia bookmarks once. And most offers of free merchandise require the purchase of something else, like the “Free Dell Printer,” which is really an add-on promotional give-away. Even “Buy One Get One Free” offers are really just dressed-up 50%-off sales.
I do like rebates, though. Sometimes, just for the cost of sales tax and the gas to get you to the store (well, and the patience to wait for your mail-in rebate to arrive), you can get something like a spindle of fifty CDRs for “free.” My dad is particularly addicted to these rebates. He’s got stacks of fully-rebated stuff that he’s not quite sure how he’ll ever use. I just wish I’d seen the ad for the McAfee Internet Security Suite upgrade rebate a day sooner…
I think the human appetite for free things stems from a genuine, healthy spiritual hunger. Even if the offer sounds too good to be true, humans want to believe in the free gift.
But I paid three bucks to post this article. Go figure.
Copyright © 2014 Jerry Seager